7 Reasons Why You Are Not Into Him Anymore
“I’m just not into my husband anymore!”
I have heard this sentence many times in my coaching office. Take one client, for example, who felt trapped in a sexless marriage. Let’s call her Sarah.
“I have no desire to sleep with him and I’m not attracted to him anymore” Sarah complained. “I think it is hormonal, or perhaps because of the baby I had?”
“The baby you had is five-years-old now,” I pointed out, lightly suggesting it might not be the reason.
“I would like to be into him, but I’m simply not,” Sarah added with desperation in her voice. “It’s terrifying me, because he demands sex and as his wife, I feel responsible to give it to him! Lia, I’m just never in the mood.”
She was convinced something was wrong with her and continued to question herself. “Perhaps it’s my thyroid, or I’m entering menopause?” she asked.
“You’re 38 Sarah. It’s not menopause,” I replied, trying to calm her.
“Is there a Viagra for women?” Sarah inquired.
Sarah was married for about seven years and she was in her late thirties, which is considered the sexual prime for a woman, yet she was totally asexual. She was trying to find a medical reason to explain why she was feeling like that and why she didn’t want to sleep with her husband.
I tried to look deeper at her situation to find out what could be wrong in their relationship and communication, instead of blaming her sex drive for the sexless marriage.
“Sarah, you are fine. You’re a young and beautiful woman and I’m going to help you to find out what’s happening in your sex life, if you give me permission to do so,” I offered.
After Sarah agreed, we started analyzing some important parts of her marriage: the respect, communication and roles of power between her and her husband.
Here are the basics I covered with Sarah. If you are in a similar situation, they might help you, too.
Even after many years of marriage, we women love to get attention from our partners like when we started dating. Unfortunately, there are people that forget they have a flower at home that needs to be watered, otherwise it can die. The little gifts and dinner-and-a-movie dates are cliché for a reason. They’re a tradition of ideas helping men connect with their women, and for women, it’s a part of the intimate sexual experience. Generally, women like to dress up, feel “like a girl” again and feel appreciated. If a man doesn’t make his lady feel this way, the lack of emotional connection could cause her to lose interest in sex.
The question here is: “Does your partner give you enough attention? Or is he taking you granted, showing up late from work, exhausted and wanting quick gratification without too much effort?”
If your answer is “yes,” you might need to have a serious talk with him. Don’t act needy or cry; just tell him you have a fantasy of him treating you like it’s your first date and it excites you.
My advice: Suggest things he can do for (and to) you that would make you happy!
2) Power and Control
Question: “Is your husband aggressive? Does he control you, yell at you and show you lack of respect?”
No wonder you don’t want to sleep with him! Depending on how severe his aggression is, if he is verbally abusive or — God forbid — physically abusive, violence and anger won’t make him sexy. Is he controlling you, not letting you live your life, not supporting you while you pursue your dreams or not letting you see your friends or family? Nobody likes to be controlled. If you are having secret submissive fantasies, this might be exciting for you; although, there are other ways to have a safe, sane and consensual Dom/sub relationship.
Instead, the sex is an on-demand mechanical act from your husband and that’s a very unenjoyable experience.
My advice: Get out of the powerless relationship.
Question:“Do you actively make time for each other?”
Life happens. We get so slammed with work and chores or kids and their schedules that we forget our own well-being and sex life. Imagine you come home exhausted after 10 hours of work and a commute. Imagine you have two little kids screaming at home, wanting to play, eat and do homework.
Sex? Oh, hell no! Who would have energy for that!?
My advice: Send your kids to do some activity, camp or hobby over the weekend and spend a few sexy and relaxing hours with your partner. Hire a nanny or leave your kids in the care of a family member and have a date night. Trust me; therapy is more expensive than hiring a babysitter!
Question:“Does he know what turns you on; how he can please you; what your fantasies and desires are? Or are you just not communicating what you’d really like to explore and leaving him guessing?”
We book a massage and tell the masseur exactly what we want and where they need to focus — harder, right… now left. Why don’t we use these words during sex? It might be that our partner doesn’t push the right buttons, but did he get the right instructions?
My advice: You need more words of love to reignite the sex spark. Compliments, suggestions and sharing your fantasies and desires is a recipe for success.
5) “Me” Time
Is your lifea roller coaster of chores, kids and your job? No time to do your nails, hair and work out? No wonder your self-esteem is struggling! How can we expect to feel like having sex if we don’t feel sexy? Take time off, ask your partner for some help and explain to them that you feel worn out and need some time to rejuvenate. Perhaps one afternoon in a day spa is enough.
Depending on your time and financial ability, you might want to spend a couple of days in a yoga or detox retreat. I will leave it up to you!
My advice: Feeling good about yourself and feeling sexy again will improve your self-esteem. Healthy confidence can give that boost needed to enjoy your sex life again.
6) Physical Health
Question:“Are you experiencing pain during intercourse?”
If sexual intercourse is causing you pain, of course you’re going to avoid the source of the pain. Your partner might not even be aware they are (indirectly) causing you vaginal pain. If that’s the case, seek medical advice.
Oftentimes it’s just tension in the abdominal muscles and couple of sessions of pelvic physical therapy can help you to release the pain and enjoy your sex life again.
My advice: Find a specialist, like a urologist, who knows how to treat pelvic floor pain and can refer you to a physical therapist. Or talk to your sex coach who can surely help, too.
Question:“Have one or both of you stopped trying?”
No matter if you are married for a year or for a decade, I think every individual should try to do their best to be in shape, clean cut and dressed up as when they started dating. If you always had long nails and messy hair and your partner loved it, that’s fine, but to rapidly gain weight, stop shaving or wearing nice clothes because you got married… it’s not fair to you or your partner.
There are medical emergencies and health issues that cause weight gain and the health aspect should be addressed. There are occasions that call for comfier clothes, like sweatpants (although, I’m not personally a fan), but you know what I’m talking about. When two people think they found “The One” and they stop putting so much effort into the relationship or themselves, the relationship suffers. Or if one partner gets lost in the other and leaves nothing for themselves, appearance and confidence could flatline.
If that’s the case, talk to your partner. Find a way to tell them you would like them to start working out again, stop eating sweets and dress up nicely. You might even motivate them with gym dates and other active hobbies or vacations.
Again, my advice: The more communication the better. Please don’t forget, this is a very sensitive topic, and you don’t want to offend your partner or harm their self-esteem. Be especially kind and loving about this.
Stop blaming yourself for a lack of sex in your marriage. Nothing is wrong with you! Some things just need to be discussed and adjusted. The solution might be super simple and you can get back on track pretty quickly.
And naturally, there are phases in our relationship when we are less sexual. Maybe you’re dealing with a stressful event in the family, your job or you just had a baby. That’s normal and nothing to be worried about. But if you have sex less than 10 times per year, that’s called a “sexless marriage” and an indicator that something is wrong in the relationship as whole, not just with you. You can seek a help from a sex therapist or a sex and intimacy coach to help you with your questions.