Just a Kiss Please

Men struggle with intimacy. This isn’t just a cliché or stereotype; this is something I’ve noticed in my sessions over the years. Men typically have problems opening up and giving or receiving love and warmth. What are they worried about? Perhaps they think that by hiding their emotions, they will be seen as “man enough.”

That’s the environment they grow up in. Parents teach sons that men don’t cry and men can’t show their vulnerabilities. Why do we think that being capable of love makes us vulnerable? I think showing love and being in love is quite the opposite! It’s one of humans’ greatest strengths — to own our emotions and live them fully.

In any case, we women need love; we need to be caressed and kissed and touched. It makes us feel safe and appreciated. Many times, men aren’t able to give us intimacy and closeness without penis-and-vagina sex. Unfortunately, for many men, there is sex and then there is the friend-zone. Nothing in between. 

 I’ve met women who have sex with men just to feel loved and have some sort of closeness, warmth and attention that they know would be hard to get without actual penetration. It makes me sad to see, because the men who aren’t able to connect and be in an intimate situation without sex are missing a big part of what life is about. I also see pain in many of the women I’m talking to who have sex with men just because they’d like to feel some love and connection and can’t get it otherwise. I hear a lot of, “I didn’t really want to fuck him but…” After the encounter, the women feel bad about themselves. They think they shouldn’t have been sexual and they are also ashamed. 

 In my coaching sessions, I like to encourage all men to first get connected with themselves, make sure they feel self-confident enough to own their emotions and understand that it’s OK to be soft, gentle and loving toward a woman — even when there’s no sex. It’s important to practice this with their partners.

 It’s important to get rid of what our families taught us when we were little — of the prejudice we have towards men and emotions. It’s important for a better sex life and life in general. If you can’t connect deeply with your emotions, you might not be able to experience the true joy of having sex or the true love of being with someone. 

For women, I can only advise that we need to distinguish between the need for sex (being turned on and horny) and between the need for intimacy (for example, being hugged and caressed). Don’t cross the line if you don’t want to and don’t let anyone to push your boundaries. Do not have sex if you aren’t in the mood for sex. Having sex the wrong time when you’re looking for something else has long-term negative effects that you might not even be aware of, from the psychological to the physical. That type of behavior could also backfire causing you more fear of men or being more reserved when it comes to sex. You could end up avoiding sex and men in general. 

 Having sex when you aren’t open to it can also cause physical pain. Many women who suffer from abdominal pain think it might be a UTI (urinary tract infection) or something funky with their reproductive organs. Why? If we aren’t open to the act of sex, we tense up — our abdominal muscles contract and clench. We just want penetration to be over. We only wanted the kisses and hugs, which didn’t even last as long (or short) as the sex itself. 

 If this happens again and again, women build abdominal tension and the tightness of our muscles might lead to pressing on the uterus and bladder. The squeeze causes an urge or sensation to urinate frequently, mimicking a UTI. Then, our ovaries get involved in this tug-o-war and that causes more pain. Who needs that? 

 For now, men, be open to love, warmth and intimacy without sex. Trust me, you’ll get used to this different feeling of “good” — being protective and sensual without an orgasm every time. Some women around you might need hugs and only hugs (and no ovary tugs). 

 

 

 

 

31624225_s.jpg

And ladies? Only let a man who you really enjoy and you are in the mood for into your temple! Please note, I’m not suggesting you should have less sex! If you are in the mood for another guy every day, go for it! Just don’t compromise your vagina for someone else’s pleasure.

It’s important to get rid of what our families taught us when we were little — of the prejudice we have towards men and emotions. It’s important for a better sex life and life in general. If you can’t connect deeply with your emotions, you might not be able to experience the true joy of having sex or the true love of being with someone. 

 For women, I can only advise that we need to distinguish between the need for sex (being turned on and horny) and between the need for intimacy (for example, being hugged and caressed). Don’t cross the line if you don’t want to and don’t let anyone to push your boundaries. Do not have sex if you aren’t in the mood for sex. Having sex the wrong time when you’re looking for something else has long-term negative effects that you might not even be aware of, from the psychological to the physical. That type of behavior could also backfire causing you more fear of men or being more reserved when it comes to sex. You could end up avoiding sex and men in general. 

 Having sex when you aren’t open to it can also cause physical pain. Many women who suffer from abdominal pain think it might be a UTI (urinary tract infection) or something funky with their reproductive organs. Why? If we aren’t open to the act of sex, we tense up — our abdominal muscles contract and clench. We just want penetration to be over. We only wanted the kisses and hugs, which didn’t even last as long (or short) as the sex itself. 

 If this happens again and again, women build abdominal tension and the tightness of our muscles might lead to pressing on the uterus and bladder. The squeeze causes an urge or sensation to urinate frequently, mimicking a UTI. Then, our ovaries get involved in this tug-o-war and that causes more pain. Who needs that? 

 For now, men, be open to love, warmth and intimacy without sex. Trust me, you’ll get used to this different feeling of “good” — being protective and sensual without an orgasm every time. Some women around you might need hugs and only hugs (and no ovary tugs). 

 And ladies? Only let a man who you really enjoy and you are in the mood for into your temple! Please note, I’m not suggesting you should have less sex! If you are in the mood for another guy every day, go for it! Just don’t compromise your vagina for someone else’s pleasure.